“I Have Missed You in My Life. My Life is Yours.”

AngelicView: This fantastic NDE was posted in an NDE Facebook Group. It needs to come with a warning – you may shed some tears due to the resonance in your heart and your own longing for Home. Thank you, Scott, for sharing your story with us 🙂

∞

In 2007, while on a camping trip, I had a widow-maker heart attack. I coded several times, the last time sent me home while in the Cath Lab in Springfield, MO. Here is the account of my experience when I died.

There was darkness and then I felt a soft jolt. What was that? I tried to open my eyes. They were shut, I couldn’t open them. My first thought was wow that was fast – those Doctors fixed me fast. I could sense my family was close to the hospital maybe even there now, yet I couldn’t see them, only what seemed like a dimly lit room. I thought I was in a recovery room or area. I felt alone and cold. I remember having a thought, those guys need to cover me up… Dude, I thought, your eyes are shut. The last thing I remember was telling the doctor I was going to take a nap. He had ordered a bunch of stuff that sounded like it involved needles and that’s going to hurt… I’m outta here! I must still be sleeping. I looked around and I knew at that moment, I had died.

For a moment I felt like drifting, unable to land on anything. There was no “ground” and not a cloud, but a shimmering golden radiant aura in the sky. It looked like I was standing on a spot in a huge rolling plain. It was there, and it appeared “real”, and I was on it too, but I felt like I was floating. For a moment, I felt panic, scared. The surface looked like huge grass plain just blowing gently in a sweet breeze – not a strong wind, but just a sweet warm breeze. I could almost hear the rustle of the blade as they rubbed against another.

There appeared to me shimmering silhouettes in the far distance of the place I was at. They looked like mountains when you’re driving towards them. You see that low darker horizon, but as you get closer they seem to grow. This was almost the same, but they weren’t. They were just far away, they were all around me. It was like they had cleared this place for me. I felt like I was in a field I used to walk in, when I was troubled and needed comfort. I didn’t understand. I didn’t even think I deserved to be there. I knew my story; I thought I knew what was true. I was starting to get overwhelmed from the experience.

What seemed to be the sky was more just the lamination of the light. Like the sun is just before sunset. It had warmth radiating from it that started to make me feel safe and comfort. I started to realize that each of these things was not just things I was “seeing”, they were a part of me, and I a part of them.

The more I surrendered, the more I could feel a hum and this vibration going through my “body”. For the first time, I noticed my body wasn’t my body. It looked like it, but I was not in the same form. It shimmered even though it seemed like it was my body from earth, it wasn’t. But the hum was soft, but always there, at times, it would sound like voices, instruments and birds. It kept shifting between all things and it was beyond what I could comprehend as music. It was a harmony, a combination of voices, pitches and tones. I could flow with it and it flowed thru me. Or at least that’s what I thought it sounded like. I felt so at peace, I felt so serene. The only word I can use is completeness, utter and total completeness. I didn’t feel alone, I felt the presence of something, something that was way bigger than me. I wasn’t afraid of it. I kept telling myself, I didn’t believe I was worthy. Especially, that the presence I felt was honored I was there.

 

Whatever it was that I could feel, experience, and see, we were all connected. I was home. I was back. It was strange that I felt sad, again, I didn’t get to say goodbye to my family. I saw a silhouette of someone coming towards me. My Grandparents had been very close to me thru most of my life. He died when I was 13, she 16 years later. It was a difficult loss. I had lost touch with her last years, after I moved to the Midwest. We stood there for what seemed like for a long time, as we hugged each other. It seems though, we were crying. I felt that so much happiness, love, peace and joy.

I stepped back and looked at her. I said, “I died, didn’t I?” She stepped back a bit and swung her arm down and I followed her hand.

I could see the ER room, then we were floating above the room. I could see the medical team working on me. There was someone near my head and my head was pulled back. They were pushing something down my throat. Later I found out I had been intubated. There was another person, down my by waist, doing something with needles, I didn’t want to see that. Two people by each leg, sticking things up in my groin. I would later find out was the angioplasty and the catheters for the stints. Ok, still hated needles, nope, not going to watch that one. There was someone on top of me, doing CPR calling out my name. “Come on Scott, Come on!” I stopped watching. I looked at Grandma and said, “I’m screwed, Ok. I’ve seen enough.”

I felt so sad and sorry, that my family was on their way and would have to come to this. I could see them as I floated past the ER, past the roof of the hospital, on a dark road, my ex and kids were calling out to me. Telling me to hold on, wait for them. I said I’d be ok and I’d be waiting for them. They were saying they loved me. I felt so sad I wasn’t going to be able to be a part of my son’s life. I didn’t get to say good-bye. This can’t be happening.

Alzarin Crimson

Prussian Blue

I was angry for several reasons for a moment, but it seemed to melt away. “What is this place Grandma?” She said, “Son.., this is where we all go when we die.” I looked around… I was so at peace. I could hear music, I could see the mountains in the background, the sky was alizarin crimson then faded to Prussian blue and then a beautiful darkness. Other than the Warm Golden light, the sky was the most beautiful “sunset” I’ve ever seen. Behind me was darkness, night time and like Space darkness. Ironic thing was, I felt like I was part of all of it and it was connected to me. I felt no fear. This was Heaven. I knew I had worked hard on changing my life years before, I had found a faith in a power greater than me. I felt this feeling I can only call love that knows no boundary of time, space or consciousness. It covers everything that has been, is and will be. I’ve read it, I’ve heard it, I intellectualized it and believed, but never felt it in my soul, till then. Not because we can bribe it by our acts, or control it with penance or faith, because we are. It loves no matter what.

I looked at her and asked her, “What about those who have committed horrible acts against children and other humans? What about those who are evil at heart, lie, steal, cheat? What is it that they deserve? The same thing as those who try to be good people?” (I had some personal issues I was dealing with and there were headlines in the news of acts of people like Osama Bin Laden and other stuff).

I said to the light as if it would answer, “What is the point then? What would people do if we knew this?”

My grandmother was devout in her faith. She was faithful to our church; we belonged to the same church. My family was heavily involved in our church. My father was a minister and rector of our congregation. One of my immediate family members was always doing some service activity for the church. I was even on the path of entering the ministry. Even though I had turned from this path many years before, the core values were still there. She wouldn’t lie to me. This woman would tell me the truth. All I felt from her was love. I had some personal pain issues, resentments about to be released.

I leaned closer to her and whispered, like no one could hear us. “Is this or are we here Grandma because of our church? Or the way we believed or our Faith?” She looked at me and smiled, and said so sweetly, “Son, it’s not about this place. There is only one time we have in our presence, in our reality, in our time. This is the only time, you are you. We suffer for what we do, while we are here. We have our consequences for what we DO while we live. We are loved. We don’t get judged here. We don’t suffer here. Our time was a gift.”

 

I said, “Grandma, then where is everyone?” Just as I was finishing my words, the sight that I thought was the Distant Mountains came closer. As it closed in on me I could suddenly feel an overwhelming presence of others. They had no shape at first, only I could feel them. Then I could see shimmering forms of what looked like bodies. I could make out faces – people, but I didn’t know them. There was no physical or emotional bond. Yet I still felt like I was part of them and they a part of me. They weaved in and around me like they were saying hello, welcome home. They shifted from these shimmering forms, to light, strings of light. Each spirit was an individual string and each string stretched beyond my conscious sight stretching out beyond time and space. Each string moved around and through me and swayed in like a soft breeze. Then the sky filled with light strings. I could see inside them, through them – and each of them carried a long thin strand that looked like a DNA helix. From within each Helix were memories, from the time of its conception, when the atoms became one, to the time when we became human. Each one had its own reality, consciousness, time and space. In some point of their path, they had met with another string of light and created new strings and new strings were created with other strings, each with their own consciousness, reality and time. Each a memory – but it was coded within the DNA. It was all a kind of memory, past, present and future.

All at once and each in its own time had its own truth, and its own reality. Yet somehow, each was connected to someone who was alive here. I was connected to my Grandma and she flowed into a string and came back to the form I could see her. Then she reached out her hand to me. We started to follow the strings then I became one of the strings of light. As we moved, there was no sense of travel, yet I knew we were moving, very fast. Yet as we moved I could see behind me, around me and in front of me. We were time.

As I looked back, I could see the planet had all these strings from all living things emanating from it, even from the planet itself. As we starting to move out, I could see our earth, spinning in its orbit in its natural time. The solar system, galaxies, we passed a star blowing up, watched a star being born in a nebulae – each event in its real time. All reaching out to space, and all connected to the light. It was alive, creating new forms, life, experiences and realities all in love. One existence can’t become a new one until it’s completed the course it’s on. Once that is done, it can’t move on to its next reality. And so on and so on. It wasn’t like a trip when we start getting the “When are we getting there?” or “Are we there yet?” feeling. On the contrary there was just no sense of time for us per say, we just moved at will.

We would pass points when light was behind us and we were in a space, time and reality. I did feel consciousness forming but not like we know or understand. It was just doing its task. It was doing what it’s supposed to do and that’s all it knew. Then it became clear – all of it, all things knew what it was supposed to do. Something was directing it. I could tell, even though it had consciousness, it seemed as though it had surrendered its Will and accepted it’s truth to the Creator.

Then she reached for me and took my hand as we started back. The universe was full, absolutely full of strings of light and energy. They were pulsing, they were moving, and we were in it, part of it and it a part of us. DNA stretched for eons, memories, connected, intertwined but all moving according to the Light. I could see molecules, atoms connecting, intersecting, building and becoming new life forms and consciousnesses. Galaxies, stars, fish, trees, air, water, man are all patterned forms, built from all over the universe.

Then we were back in the field, but it didn’t stop there. I looked at my Grandmother and the Light. Everything opened up, illuminated, poured through me, out of me and in me. It can’t be changed, or threatened. It can’t be manipulated, or colored. There are no Illusions or fairy tales about it. It’s here. Each is at its own time, in its own evolution, doing its own reality, living its own consciousness. We are part of it and it a part of us. We truly have nothing to fear, we are really loved. There is a power so great, that it can only be called God. What intelligence is directing this? It was like this whole thing is alive. We are a part of this creation that is so magnificent; we have no words in our language to express it.

She looked at me and said, “We suffer for how we are being here, when we separated our Being or Spirit from the one Truth and created a False Reality we feel pain. We separate our connection to this power. Our pain is directly proportionate to the level of separation of our Spirit from here, son. We all have it and we all are built with it.”

 

The spirits started to surround me again, and the vibrations started to grow so strong. Then visions of my life and others who appeared of how we separated or cut off our lives, love and our only one time we have here in this time and space. How we’ve wasted it, with petty crap. With hatred, war, abuse of control and power, lies, hurting others. We have spent that time, being so separated from love and our truth that we have taken it from others, because we can’t stand that they may have it and we don’t. We have created false truths and realities because we loathe what we think are the truth. We have nearly if not completely ruined our lives, hearts, minds, and souls to keep feeding the illusions to keep this false love and realty alive, just to do it. We have given our bodies away for validation and approval, our soul just to feel better.

If we can’t heal and return to love here where it counts, when we don’t own and atone for our mistakes, we keep the separation going and the pain we feel gets worse and the more desperate we become to cover it up. Yet, I saw that for me, for us to return to that source, love, to the place where it all began, we had to do just that. Face the truth of where it all began. To see the trail that was behind what we thought was the truth.

I saw how we fear, so much fear. As I did, I felt the sun behind my grandmother get warmer, brighter and stronger. I could feel a love and comfort I can’t put to words radiating from it. I felt a humbleness and honor that I don’t know how to express radiate from this source, I was forgiven. All the strings of light began to move toward this light again and it became radiant, so much so I couldn’t look at it any longer. The brighter it got, the more I could feel pulled toward it. I knew that on the other side of that light, was the next form, the next experience that awaited me. Home was there. I could feel others there but they weren’t. They were experiencing their new reality. I could feel myself letting go of my family. I knew I could watch my son. I knew we were still connected. They weren’t ready to let me go. I wanted to go.

Then she stood in front of me and said, “Son, you must go back, it’s not your time.” I said, “No Grandma, I want to stay with you, I miss you, this is home. I am home.”

She smiled. “My Son, you will have some crosses to carry yet. You will have some things you will have to suffer.”  I could feel her sadness for this. I was shown some things, some of which had to do with my health. “You, Son, are not able leave yet. It’s not your time.” I tried to push past her, but she stood there with her arms crossed so I wrapped my arms around my Grandmother and told her I missed her. “I know son”, she said. “We miss you too, but we will see each other again.” At that time, my grandfather reappeared. He had his arms around both of us. I realized then we can take our bonds with us. I was so moved at the strength of their love still for each other and for me.

 

I looked into the light as best I could and it radiated with such intensity, I could look at it no longer. I turned slightly away. This Light, it vibrated thru me and I felt loved and at peace. I said “I know who you are. I do love you with all my heart. I have missed you in my life. My life is yours”. I heard a voice from the Light “My son, do not fear, you will not be alone and I will take care of you.” I felt wave after wave of light flow through me, like arms wrapping around me, through me. Not pulling me in, but letting me go.

My Grandparents faded away. I felt like I was falling. I remember getting a glimpse of the top of the hospital roof and trees outside of the building. I woke up in a hospital room, 5 hours later.

 

(AV: Shared with permission from the author.)