AngelicView: This is an STE (Spiritually Transformative Event) from a woman who was very ill with a genetic illness that lead to other health conditions. An STE could be an NDE (Near-Death Experience) or an OBE (Out of Body Experience) in this case. It’s hard to say in most cases of STE’s what really happened. But the take-away for that person is that the experience completely transforms their life and/or their views on life. That is what it did for Malla.
I glanced up on the large clock on the wall beside me. 02.45. I must have dozed off.
Days and nights seemed to blend into each other as my need for sleep grew more and more inevitable. Pain had become my only friend. I really had no expectations left of recovery. I was done. Out of sheer exhaustion, I whispered, ‘Father, I can’t do this anymore.’ In my heart, I made this final exclamation to both, God and my earthly father. I closed my eyes and sunk into a deep sleep.
For a long time it felt as though I was floating. The pain started to release its grip on my weary body. ‘Thank you God’, I whispered as I drifted away on the bed of painlessness. Finally, I was free. The dark comfortable sleep slowly began to release its grip on my consciousness and images started to form inside mind’s eye. They were pleasant, soothing images of tranquil environments. I saw small waves gently caress a shore and a small yellow bird sitting on the branches of a beautiful blooming pine tree.
Suddenly, I found myself standing amidst the site of some old ruins of a house in a peaceful country side. It appeared to be mid-afternoon. The cloudless sky was light blue in color. There was no sun, but the light seemed to be coming from everywhere at once. Everything was quiet. ‘How utterly beautiful!’ I thought to myself. It dawned on me that I had never seen ruins this perfectly shaped before. Usually ruins would be torn by time and weather, cracking and falling apart by the touch of a hand. But this place looked as if it had been constructed to appear just like ruins of an old house would look, only in perfect condition. I realized, that these perfectly shaped ruins were a symbol of the how I view my life. Here, imperfectness was utterly perfect in its own shape and form. My life, as ruined as it may seem to be in my own perception, was no less than perfect. This perfect imperfection had a divine purpose. I had constructed these ruins in order to experience myself as a true replica of how I mentally characterized myself. Before me appeared a manifestation of my core belief about myself as ruined.
It dawned on me that I was not defined by my illness. I was not the pain and the agony that derived from my illness. I knew that I was not the needy person who had become totally dependent upon others to live and function. One thought kept repeating itself in my mind, ‘How did I allow my health to deteriorate to the point that I died before realizing what was going on?’ There was not much left of the ruins. Only a third of the bricks were still standing.
A voice sounded, ‘You create the world that you know. You have been given the most wonderful gift; the ability to project your self outwards into physical form.’ I looked down and realized that I was wearing a beautiful, flawless etheric body. I was not on Earth anymore; but in an Earthly environment that was slightly above the physical Earth. I was in a state where I was still very much my own personality, in my own mind, but protected by a non-physical environment. The way I perceived myself back on Earth, allowed my powerful mental thoughts to project into my physical body and shape it in the image of the core belief I held about myself. The same would occur with the physical world I perceived. My fear of life would draw to me that which I feared the most. Thus, creating my own private replica of the world as being a fearful place to live.
There were fifteen other people accompanying me at the site. ‘Ah, at least I am not alone at feeling so miserable,’ I thought to myself. At the far end of the ruins, a woman was preparing a lecture. She seemed to be organizing her paperwork on a table placed in front of her. It felt as if we were all here to learn how to die. What a great idea. Learning how to die was just what I needed when being so utterly lost with regard to the whole business of living and of dying. Still, there was something profoundly familiar about the whole situation. I had a feeling that I had done this a hundred times before. I felt completely comfortable being here.
For a moment, with my perception enhanced, I was able to view a large part of the European continent all at once. I noticed that there were portals all across the Earth. They were shaped like large transparent circles and they were popping up all over. I knew that these portals were here to let people travel from the physical life to the spirit life and from the spirit life, back to Earth. I knew that when we go through the transition of death that we go through these portals. When we are about to be born to the Earth, these portals are the gates to new life.
A calming voice telepathically filled my mind, ‘You have asked, and so it has been given to you. You have chosen and so it shall be. Such is the wonder and glory of life, that you may experience yourself, as you wish. Deep within, you have been longing to come home. You are home!’ Whoa! The voice had really caught my attention. The voice was as clear as day and seemed to fill my entire being at once. I had never had a thought that clear before.
‘I must be hearing some kind of Angel’, I thought. The voice continued, ‘Malla, close your eyes, relax and accept it.’ I was grabbed firmly by an invisible force and pulled towards a small crack in one of the ruin walls. I was afraid that the size of my body would be too large to squeeze through that tiny space. But the voice reminded me again to, ‘Close your eyes, relax and accept what is happening.’ I obeyed and with a feeling of being transported through that tiny space, I found myself on the other side of the wall. Not only on the other side of the wall but into a completely new world.
Instantly, I found myself soaring through the air like a majestic bird, while taking in the utter magnificence of the landscape unfolding before me. I was awestruck! The scenery reminded of images I had seen from Scotland or Ireland, after a long heavy rainfall. The lush, green fields beamed at me in colors of deep green radiance. I could see valleys and clusters of trees to my left and little cozy huts situated in the slopes. Everything was so clean and so perfect. I knew that every little straw of grass was perfectly shaped, just like a painting from an old master. Every little flower petal was designed as though from the shape of the most heartfelt song. There was no tear anywhere; no decay whatsoever. I wondered, ‘How could something be this exquisitely perfect?’ I could not help but notice the profound happiness present throughout my whole being. I felt so light, so magnificently happy, and so utterly free of earthly worries. I was beaming with pure joy. My sense of adventure filled my entire being and I knew that this was who I really am. There were no burdens: There was no sadness. I had no recollection of earthly struggles and there was no illness. I was completely stripped of having to do, having to say, or having to have an opinion about anything at all. I existed in the only moment that ever mattered. It was the eternal moment of now, the eternal flow of life. I existed in profound peace.
I was not aware that I had just arrived here from Earth. I was not even aware that I was a mother! In this world, I merely existed as the pure soul that I was. I could not recall ever having felt more complete. I needed no one, and no one needed me; and that was just an unchangeable fact. Actually, I had no thought about anything other than being who I was and experiencing that which lay before me at this very moment in joyful anticipation. I landed on one of the hills situated in the ‘far north’ of the landscape. Yellow and white flowers covered the ground underneath me. Each and every one of the mesmerizing flowers beamed like little suns. Even though I seemed to be standing right on top of them, I did not seem to squash any one of them.
Then, I realized that I did not have a body! My flawless, etheric body was now gone. I was pure consciousness. ‘You are not your body,’ the voice explained. ‘You are a divine essence of me.’ The sentence shook through the core of my being with immense force. ‘God!’ I proclaimed. A profound sense of belonging merged from the depths of my soul. Once more, I felt the familiar pulling. Once more, I was sucked back towards the crack in the ruins. This time however, I seemed to instinctively know what to do. I closed my eyes, relaxed, and accepted the fact that I was being pulled through the crack.
I found myself back by the ruins with the people and the lecturer, only to be pulled back through the same crack once more. ‘Hey, I’m getting pretty good at this,’ I chuckled to myself as I landed on the very same hill as I had left just moments ago. I felt immensely happy, as if I was made of pure bliss. ‘We have done this many times’, the voice replied.
‘We have?’ I asked.
‘Yes’, the voice continued, ‘This is what we do.’
Again, I accepted the explanation as a fact that resonated completely with what I felt to be the truth. The voice and I were one. We had never, at any point in existence, been separate. At this point, I was not able to define how I knew this to be true. I just knew, as if this oneness with the kind voice had always been my experience.
Again, I was soaring over the breathtaking landscape. Behind me, steep mountains were raging high into the clear air. Before me, the green valley lay lush and inviting. I seemed to have a 360-degree view of everything that was happening around me. I was perfectly aware of what was going on at all angles. Out of nowhere, a thought about my mum and dad popped into my mind. As soon as I had the thought, I saw my parents walk towards me from a short distance to my right. My heart beamed with love towards the two people who had given me life. In amazement, I remembered thinking, ‘Hey, why are my parents here when they are still very much alive on Earth?’ I realized that my parents existed in both places at once. The only thing needed for me to meet them here in this state of existence was a thought of love. I was gravely surprised, if not stunned by this revelation. I concluded that we are never alone wherever we are, because wherever we are, we are here, there, and everywhere all at once. I recognized that the immenseness of our Soul allows us to be everywhere at the same time and that all of us share this Soul. I realized that the part of my parents presently residing on Earth was not the entire part of this soul, but merely a small fragment. Only the moment that existed was right now, which indeed allowed everything to be, right at this moment.
‘You are so beautiful, mum,’ I whispered as my mother approached me. She smiled at me as pure love and acceptance flowed from her eyes. As I kept thinking about how beautiful she was appearing in front of me, she instantly grew more and more beautiful, as if her enhancing beauty was a direct response to my thoughts about her. This was indeed the powers of my own thoughts. I understood how I literally create myself. The way I perceive myself and others, at each moment of my existence, with this power of thought. What I directed my love towards, enhanced the receiver tenfold. My mother, whom I knew to be a sweet elderly lady at the age of seventy back on Earth, wrinkles and all, was now standing before me, looking like a gorgeous twenty year old! Her beauty was beyond compare! I had never seen anything like it!
‘Every moment is a unique moment of creation,’ she twinkled at me. My dear father was standing a few steps behind her in the background. My love for him was very real. Still, the love I felt for my mother was overshadowing everything. I knew that whom and what I expressed my love for, would be instantly drawn to me and enhanced tenfold. I also knew that unconditional love would heal any negative act ever created between people. I was utterly content with being in this state of pure existence. I had no notion that I had left everything behind and that I was dying from the physical world. I was again soaring across the landscape feeling completely at one with the scenery. In this ultimate reality, I was magnificently happy, profoundly peaceful, and completely free. I was pure consciousness, a spontaneous exercise in creativity.
THIS IS WHO I REALLY AM, I beamed! The kind voice was right! I had chosen this experience, so that I could remember who I really am. Experience is everything. Without experience, we do not have the possibility to know who we are. We can have a feeling or an opinion about who we are. But that opinion is merely a hunch of the grand picture until the opinion is expressed and experienced in full bloom; in the full realization of that moment of now. Feeling satisfied with the soaring, I landed on the flower covered hill again. A desire to progress in my experience of this moment, merged from within. I was wondering what to experience next. Actually, there was no time to ponder anything. At the moment a thought formed about experiencing something new, the experience would unfold before me.
Again, it was an experience I was not prepared for. I was presented with a terrifying sight that produced a feeling that literally rattled my whole being. I tried to cover my eyes to avoid looking at what had just unfolded before me, but to no avail. There was no way to avoiding seeing or to hide from that which is ultimately, the reality. At my right, a few feet away, stood something that resembled a demon. It was not your average demon, but one made of cardboard. It looked absolutely ridiculous! I knew that whatever I was seeing was not real in the sense of being an individual consciousness. It was a product of my own mind. One part of me wanted to laugh at it; another part of me however wanted to scream in terror. I had never imagined a demon made of cardboard before, but it indeed had a terrifying effect on me. ‘So, you thought it was that easy, huh?’ the demon snarled, as it came bouncing towards me. ‘Oh, I know what this is,’ I thought. This is my fear manifested: This is my own loathing. This is my lack of appreciation for life and the people in it. This is a learned experience as I walked through life, becoming more and more engulfed in despair. The demon is showing me how I treat myself and others when I am affected by the feeling of fear. This is exactly the tone of voice that belongs to me, when I am being mean towards myself and others. Here it is, manifested as my own personal version of hell. My mind frantically tried to remember one of the prayers I had learned at Sunday school to make the demon go away. After all, that was what I had heard priests do when they expel evil from people, ‘Dear Father, you who are in Heaven, your name be holy….!’ Peeking through my fingers again, I saw the demon approach closer and closer, seemingly unaffected by my half-hearted effort of praying.
‘It doesn’t work!’ I panicked and screamed with all my might, ‘GOD, PLEASE HELP ME!’
Suddenly, my body shook awake on the mattress on the living room floor. My mind flooded with the recollection of what I had just experienced in the afterlife. I burst into uncontrollable sobbing. My physical senses re-established and I could feel the warm, familiar stabbing pain shoot through my flesh, burying itself deep into my bones. Nothing had changed. I was still sick. I was still on my mattress and still in a lot of pain.
‘God, how can you leave me like this?’ I sobbed. ‘Have I not tried to live by your principles?’ ‘Have I not been good?’ ‘Huh? Have I not, God?’ I rambled on. ‘Ok, I’m not perfect, but no one is! I’m just human for f@#$’s sake! If you are all that grand and loving, why don’t you end this terrible suffering I’m in?’ The feeling of disillusion was growing inside of me as I grew more and more agitated. My mind was still convincing me that I was a victim of my own experiences. I was not able to understand that the outcome of my life was solely in my own hands. The pain and despair I was constantly engulfed in, was overwhelming. Not only was I breaking down physically, I was very much on the edge of complete mental breakdown. My body was literally beating me up to the point that I was dying. I had no life left and death did not want me.
‘What the hell is going on?’ I cried. ‘What is it that I don’t understand?’ No one had told me how to deal with illness. In my corner of the world you either suppress the symptoms with medication, or you completely merge into the experience of being ill. If the medication does not cure you, you die; simply because no one has taught you otherwise. I doubted that any ordinary person out there knew any other way of dealing with illness. Yes, I had read about gurus who use meditation to heal themselves and I had tried that too.. Long before, the pain would overpower the silence that I was trying to maintain. I would discard the theory just as quickly as I had adopted it. I had tried alternative treatments. Yes, some of them did help lessen the physical pain and the discomfort enough to provide me with some breathing space. But none of them had made me recover. I had even looked into faith healing. But to be honest, my faith had been reduced to nothing during the process of losing my body and my mind to this crippling state. I had given up on myself. I would blame others for my misfortunes as a way to push people away, to give me the space I needed to be in peace with my illness. Eventually, my illness had become my refuge against all the unbearable factors of life that I thought I was unable to handle. I was unable to understand that as long as I pushed the responsibility away, of what was solely my own creation. I would never realize what was happening to me. Finally, every subject I explored and every action I made, had become that of disease. I did not comprehend that this behavior of giving constant focus to the fact that my body was diseased would only make me worse. I would carve the experience of being sick deeper and deeper into my body, creating an unending physical experience of pain and suffering, which in turn gave food for more self-pity and evoke more sympathy from others.
I did not know how to choose a new way of living my life. God, or someone at least, was trying to show me a way. Maybe it was me who was trying to show myself how to truly live my life. Whichever it was, it was obviously not succeeding! ‘If this is real,’ I thought, recalling the experience I had just had in the other world, ‘We have indeed missed the whole point.’ If this is real, and if the Malla that I had encountered in the beautiful, carefree reality was the person I really was, the majority of us on earth are stumbling about completely unconscious. If this is real, I need to wake up and realize that this is my life. I decide. It is my choice; I am not a puppet in strings. I am in charge of my own destiny. ‘If this is real,’ I thought, ‘We’ve got God all wrong. Not only do we have God all wrong, we’ve got ourselves all wrong!’
The revelations seemed to pour down into my head from an unending source of wisdom; No one can be blamed for, or take responsibility for, or live life, for me. It was never any other way. There is no blame to take. I chose my existences on Earth and I long for each and every one of them, to be able to express and enjoy myself in my own beautiful creation. What I wish to create, is entirely up to me; the good and the less fortunate, they are all my divine gifts of realization. If I want to die, convinced that there is no other way of continuing my physical existence; I will create my way out of here and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. I will do this easily, by engaging in negative beliefs and experiences about myself and my life, leading to an illness or an accident that eventually will bring me to my death. If I fear that suffering is necessary in the process of living and that life is hard; it will be. All I have to do is to realize that I do not have to die in order to live. Whether we choose to live to live or die to live, the outcome is the same. Life!
‘Heaven’ can be accomplished on Earth the same way it can be accomplished in ‘death.’ It’s just a matter of focus. Death, is merely a smooth transition of energy into another plane where manipulation of physical energy is not present. The sole purpose of my being here on Earth is to learn how to maneuver and control MY OWN powerful mind. I am educating myself in how my mind constantly creates my own reality and co-creates our reality, no matter where I reside. And I EXPERIENCE it! That is why I was not able to handle the demon. As long as I was soaring about, expressing my freedom, joyful nature, and experiencing the effects of that, I was perfectly okay. It’s easy! Everyone can do that, but as soon as I encountered the demon, the result of my own powerful mind expressing itself negatively, I was overwhelmed by my own power of mind.
We are ‘confronted’ by everything that we create. We are that powerful! I was shown that I am not yet fully able to control my negative emotions in a reality where ultimately everything happens in an instant. So, I was sent back to continue my learning. If I can devastate my life to the point that only a third of my physical existence is still standing upright, it is still perfectly in order. There is no such thing as good and bad. If I carry a chronic negative mindset, unable to declare whether I wish to live or not, I will be sending contradictory statements to the Universe. Life will give me exactly what I ask for; Contradiction. Life will know no other way but to please me because it serves me. Lovingly, completely, utterly and at every moment of my existence, no matter where I reside, the Life serves me because God and I are one force creating as we go.
I cannot escape my own attitudes, for they will form the nature of what I see. Quite literally, I see what I want to see. I see my own thoughts and emotional attitudes materialized in physical form. If changes are to occur, they must be mental and psychic changes. These changes will be reflected in my environment. Negative, distrustful, fearful, or degrading attitudes toward anyone or anything, will work against the self. My mind felt as though it was about to blow into trillions of pieces by this knowledge. I felt as though I was being given a real beating with the words that came pouring down; enough to make me wonder whether I was losing my mind. I have to declare that I wish to live and make my mind up about it. I need to choose the experiences that match my intentions. Anyway, what I chose is perfectly okay! My Soul will want what I want. God will want what I want. There is never a disagreement. Together, as the inseparable team that we are, we will experience dying gracefully or in agony if that is what I choose to experience.
My Soul/God will not force me to do anything. My own fears and my own attitudes draw to me that which inevitably becomes my destiny. It does not make sense that God would abruptly pull in the strings and decide that I should die. Through all of the physical experiences I have had on this Earth, I have aimed to understand this. If I seem to forget that God is here, all I have to do is ask, close my eyes, go within, and say in honesty, ‘Please, God show me!’ For no moment exists when we are absent from God, our Soul, or ourselves.
I am still in Ultimate Reality. I am THERE now. Just like my mom and dad were there when they were still very much alive on Earth! As the multidimensional being that I am, I am still there now.