Lessons of the Heart

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By AngelicView

Here we are – the last weekend in May – and it’s the weekend that the Carnival comes to my town.

When I was young, it was the most looked-forward-to weekend of my life! I marched in the parade, I ran the town (free) with my friends. I rode all the rides. I ate that yummy carnival food. I stayed out late. I flirted and I smooched. I had the time of my life!

Now, it’s the most painful weekend besides Christmas. Hear me out here – because I just know there’s a big lesson to be learned here.

I am divorced since my daughter turned three. I am a single mom, and there’s nothing like a Carnival where as far as the eye can see are daddies with little kids riding on their shoulders (and mommies holding hands with the daddies) and families having fun wherever you look that reminds you that you’re all alone.

For the last 12 years I have accompanied my daughter to the Carnival (with a big smile on) only to cry it out when we get home.

Most of the time I am very happy with my single status. Except when it comes to the family things like that. And even after 12 years, it only gets a little easier.

This year is particularly hard for me because it’s too late for me to have a “regular” family life. My daughter is just about grown. She is driving a car and thinking about colleges and is certainly old enough to go to the Carnival without her mom tagging along. That dream that most of us have as a youngster of having the perfect mate, the 2.5 children, and the white picket fence has flown the coop.

I have tried to make myself understand that families come in all shapes and sizes, and that being a single parent doesn’t make my family any less than any other family. I try to think of my little family (just the two of us) as “whole” instead of “broken”.

I have tried to keep in mind that there are some women out there who cannot have any children. There are also other women who are single because their husband has died. And indeed there are still others who have to face their children and tell them that they cannot afford to take them to the Carnival. Yeah, there are other scenarios out there that would have been even worse than I have it. But that only helps so much to make me feel better. I am still the only one walking in my shoes.

The most comforting thing, though, has come from my research of NDE’s. I don’t know what the reason is thatΒ I was supposed to raise my daughter alone – but I do know that there is a reason. There is a reason for everything.

When you look at your life, is there something that you just think, “why did it have to be that way?”

We may never know (until after we cross over the veil of forgetfulness) why things are the way they are – but I believe that there is a reason and a purpose for everything.

Thank you for listening to my rant today. πŸ™‚

❀

AngelicView

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23 thoughts on “Lessons of the Heart

  1. That was touching Shannon. The carnival used to come to my town too, it was a place to be seen at the start of summer.
    Let’s hope our memories of those times remind us that we are all one and we all have doubts about our lives and how we live to perfect it on a daily basis.

    Maybe don’t go this year and see if you feel relieved at not putting yourself in that position to feel those emotions come flooding back.

  2. I’m a 61 year veteran of the same club. Never married, no children. I often ask myself why, and don’t speak publicly of the heartache. Made worse by friends good intentions to “fix” me. My purpose here must require me to be footloose and fancy free. And ok. But sometimes I wish…

    • You know what Martha? If someone had told me when I first divorced that I’d be raising my daughter all alone, I would have been scared to death! I may have not even been able to face that seemingly impossible challenge. I figured I’d find “Mr. Right” right away. 12 years and a bunch of jerks later and I’m still single?!? Well, I guess it’s just in the cards for me. There must be a reason Martha – even if we don’t know what it is.

  3. My wish for you is to meet someone who your spirit and his accords with each other and companionship blossoms.

  4. Hi Angelicview. I too am in neonatal/postpartum nursing. Just wanted to say how much I appreciate all of your posts and how much the have added to my search for life’s meaning especially in my really low moments. You are not alone in your struggles. Sending you lots of positive energy

  5. I am good at writing cheesy greeting cards. Just remember that while you thought yourself walking as two there were three or four people around you. I guess we could call them angels, or past loved ones. I am sure there was someone unseen who wanted to share the moment.

    I, too, will have countless moments (as a single person) of lonesomeness as I get older. I might need to keep my unseen company in mind. I am so used to being alone that it is rare for me to compare myself to others. I will eat at tables for one, and oh… there is a on youtube you must see. Going to look for it.

  6. Shannon
    Your “rant” brought tears to my eyes. You are a lovely woman and have
    a beautiful heart. Find your happiness
    Ive been “alone ” many times , with someone and without someone
    You are not alone. .., there are hundreds of people who read your words and your posts and the gifts you have are special. That special someone may be reading what you wrote. Believe it. Im send you hugs even though i am a stranger to you . Hearts connect. !!!!
    Hugs. …. Carolyn.

    • Awe…. thank you so much Carolyn! That was so sweet of you! Usually I’m quite happy to be alone – just on certain days of the year is when it’s so hard. And yes, I get your meaning when you talk about the feeling of being alone even when you are with someone. That is even worse! Hugs right back at ya ❀

  7. Hey, goofball! Yeah, there’s a reason you’re here. We picked you to come with us on this insane adventure! Aresades sent only her best troops and you’re one of ’em! πŸ˜‰

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