Here we are – the last weekend in May – and it’s the weekend that the Carnival comes to my town.
When I was young, it was the most looked-forward-to weekend of my life! I marched in the parade, I ran the town (free) with my friends. I rode all the rides. I ate that yummy carnival food. I stayed out late. I flirted and I smooched. I had the time of my life!
Now, it’s the most painful weekend besides Christmas. Hear me out here – because I just know there’s a big lesson to be learned here.
I am divorced since my daughter turned three. I am a single mom, and there’s nothing like a Carnival where as far as the eye can see are daddies with little kids riding on their shoulders (and mommies holding hands with the daddies) and families having fun wherever you look that reminds you that you’re all alone.
For the last 12 years I have accompanied my daughter to the Carnival (with a big smile on) only to cry it out when we get home.
Most of the time I am very happy with my single status. Except when it comes to the family things like that. And even after 12 years, it only gets a little easier.
This year is particularly hard for me because it’s too late for me to have a “regular” family life. My daughter is just about grown. She is driving a car and thinking about colleges and is certainly old enough to go to the Carnival without her mom tagging along. That dream that most of us have as a youngster of having the perfect mate, the 2.5 children, and the white picket fence has flown the coop.
I have tried to make myself understand that families come in all shapes and sizes, and that being a single parent doesn’t make my family any less than any other family. I try to think of my little family (just the two of us) as “whole” instead of “broken”.
I have tried to keep in mind that there are some women out there who cannot have any children. There are also other women who are single because their husband has died. And indeed there are still others who have to face their children and tell them that they cannot afford to take them to the Carnival. Yeah, there are other scenarios out there that would have been even worse than I have it. But that only helps so much to make me feel better. I am still the only one walking in my shoes.
The most comforting thing, though, has come from my research of NDE’s. I don’t know what the reason is that I was supposed to raise my daughter alone – but I do know that there is a reason. There is a reason for everything.
When you look at your life, is there something that you just think, “why did it have to be that way?”
We may never know (until after we cross over the veil of forgetfulness) why things are the way they are – but I believe that there is a reason and a purpose for everything.
Thank you for listening to my rant today. 🙂