A Diamond in the Flesh

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AngelicView: I want to share this amazing STE (Spiritually Transformative Event) with all of you today. Thanks to John for sharing your story 🙂

In the late winter of 1984, I was despondent and contemplating suicide. I had acquired two razor blades and had a plan to end my life. From that despair came the greatest spiritual experience that has ever happened me. Here is the story of the night God visited me.

In 1983, I entered monastery in central Minnesota. At this time I won’t go into all the background about my life, but I was troubled on a lot of different levels and I had become convinced that I needed to go to the monastery to pursue a life of contemplation and spirituality. I felt estranged from my family, sort of a failure at college, a failure at relationships, without too many prospects for a good future. At 24 years of age, I was lost.

After getting through a three month candidacy period, I had entered the novitiate and was living in an older part of the quadrangle in the monastery. The life of a novice is one of many hours of silence, so I felt pretty isolated to begin with. I didn’t get along with most of the other novices, I had come from such a different background. This increased my sense of isolation and loneliness, which in turn began to get me deeply depressed. I had way too much time, in the late evening hours all be myself in my room, to ruminate over some of my character issues, the mistakes I had made, and where I had ended up.

I couldn’t talk to anyone about what was going on with me, and I was beginning to feel that the darkness was consuming me. I felt as though I had hit a brick wall and there was no prospect of getting out of the dead end I’d come to. I began to fantasize at night about killing myself. My faith in God was there, but I had no love for myself at all. It became a nightly event to put together a plan to end my life. I was almost there the night the event took place.

I lay in bed that lonely night, away from all my friends and family, in the darkest place I’d ever been. As I lay in bed, I began to pray, crying at the same time. I told God, “If you really exist, I need for you to help me right now. I’m at the end of my rope and without your help and your love I can’t go on. If you really exist, then you need to show yourself right now. If you don’t, then your silence will be the answer.”

 

At that moment, as I lay in this cavernous old bedroom in the corner of the abbey, the room filled with a warm wind. Rays of light seemed to encompass me, and I felt that I was picked up and cradled in these big arms. I was engulfed in the most amazing sense of compassion and love I had ever felt. I had never felt anything like this before. I knew that I was being held in Christ’s embrace. All I could see was this warm, golden light, I couldn’t actually see Christ or the Father. God spoke to me in this beautiful, masculine voice, not with words but telepathically. It was amazing. God said to me, “I’m here for you, my child. I love you completely. You are my child, and I am your Father.”

Right then it was conveyed to me that God loved every cell of my body, every molecule, and I felt his love as though I was immersed in this tremendous ocean of love and complete acceptance and forgiveness. God said to me, “I love you, and I have always loved you. There is nothing you could possibly say or do to separate you from my love. You are perfect and will always be perfect.”

Then God called me by my real name, not the name that my birth parents had named me, but a name that was as ancient and eternal as the universe itself. Funny, I didn’t remember the name very long afterwards, but when he called me by my real name, I recognized it instantly and new that I was home, and I’d been there before. I suddenly felt that I was in the middle of the universe, and it was completely comprised of God’s love. I became aware that the God I was experiencing was not just a life force, or some impersonal consciousness but God had a personality, an integrity like the father I had never known. God had a sense of humor! He and I both laughed at the thought of me questioning His existence. It seemed to me the absolutely funniest thought in the world, and we laughed at thought of it. I realized that I was the shadow, and he was the reality. The very idea that I would question his existence was a source of laughter for God and me. I was sobbing, overcome by the sheer amount of love that swept through me and over me, and laughing at the same time.

It was then that I asked God why there had been so much pain in my life, and where had he been while I was suffering and so afraid? He then told me to hold his hand while he showed me something. I don’t know exactly how to describe what happened next. The only way I know how to describe it as follows: have you ever seen a pond where, as matter decays on the bottom of the pond bubbles rise to the surface? Well, as God held my hand I could see great chunks of memories, many of which I had repressed as they were so painful, come floating up in front of me. I saw myself as boy, getting physically and emotionally abused by my father. I saw myself in grade school, being mocked and ridiculed by other boys and girls, for I had been a loner and an object of ridicule. I saw myself suffering at the hands of nuns and teachers who only knew how to humiliate and denigrate me. The memories were terrible, and watching them I felt so much sorrow and compassion for me as a child. He then told me to look closely, and it was then I could see a light around my body during every one of the events. I could feel Gods love for me as a little boy and he told me that he had always been right next to me, and he had never left my side. I was overwhelmed by his love for me at this point, it was completely overwhelming. It was then that everyone who had ever hurt me, from my childhood all the way to some of the personalities in the monastery I was having trouble dealing with, I saw, and they too had a light around their bodies.

I could see that we were all wounded children, and the reason we were here was to love and forgive one another, and to help one another through this spiritual journey. I could feel the love and compassion that God felt for not only me, but for everyone I had ever encountered. I was filled with compassion and forgiveness for everyone. God then held me tightly to him, and told me that he would be with me always, and to not lose faith in him. He told me there was nothing I could do for him to leave me, and to know that all was well. After what felt like several hours of this experience, I could feel God’s presence recede, although there was an afterglow in the room like golden light. I left the room and knocked on the Novice Master’s bedroom door. It was 3:15 in the morning. He sat with me while I related what happened, sobbing the entire time. He was very empathetic and told me that I had truly encountered God and that I was blessed. I think he was also worried about my mental health too! He excused me from my jobs for the next few days, as I was still going back and forth from the experience and I was very, very emotional. It took me two days to stop sobbing.

The reason that I’m writing this is that it is now thirty years since the experience. I know for a fact that this was the most real experience I’ve ever had, more real than the life I live now. I’m sharing this in the hopes that it makes some sense to others who may be struggling with their own experiences, and to remind myself again how much God loves me.

I would like to add that one thing that really struck me about the experience was the knowledge that God loves everyone, and his love is all inclusive, and anyone who seeks love and truth will find it in God, no matter what their belief system is.

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11 thoughts on “A Diamond in the Flesh

  1. Reblogged this on Intuitive Voyage and commented:
    I’ve had moments with God, but nothing like this. Moments where I felt God’s presence as I realized God sees all of me, even my darkest parts, and he still Loves me. I was incredibly moved that someone who has seen me at my worst still Loved me.

    Yet, never has a wind blown in my room, or a light shone in the darkness. I’ve had my depressing moments too. Moments where I begged God to please kill me. I couldn’t do it myself (didn’t want to hurt my family), but I just begged in begged. No voice answered these Moments, it was not until years later that I was able to feel God’s Love.

    So I am a little jealous reading this just like I was jealous hearing about Saints as a child. I didn’t understand why God only choose some people to talk to. I still don’t really understand.

    • I think we have all felt that way. I don’t know the answer to that either. (And that comment wasn’t crazy at all). According to most STE’s, G-d shows the experiencer that he was always with them and it was just they who could not hear or feel. However, this person in the situation above… was he in a great enlightened position to see/hear/feel G-d? Any more than the rest of us? I doubt it.

      I think maybe it’s a little more like… our Other Dimensional Helpers (God/Guides/Angels) can see forward in our timeline a bit – and they KNOW that we WILL eventually work it out ourselves. And perhaps that is our soul’s wish – to work it out ourselves – even though it may take years, because that is a better way to grow, learn, and experience (in the long run) than having a big “a-ha” moment like the experience above. But maybe in this particular case, they could see that he was NOT going to make it through and that he WAS indeed going to commit suicide if they did not intervene.

      Also, most of these people who have had experiences like this feel a great need to share the experience with other people. Could it be that our souls are nudging us toward these teachings because they want us to be able to learn from each other’s experiences? I think so. 🙂

  2. This is a beautiful account, but I have to echo what has already been commented on: why do some people receive reassurance when they ask? I started reading this account feeling a knowing of what the teller was going through when they described ‘a brick wall’ and a feeling of hopelessness after years of loneliness, isolation, bullying and abuse. I too have spent many nights feeling abandoned and alone, full of self-loathing and despair and contemplating ending it all because I felt I was sitting at the bottom of a deep, dark pit with no way out. I too have made that very same plea: ‘please show me you are real because I really, really need you right now’. I have sobbed this plea into the darkness many, many times, and my answer has always been the same: silence. No warmth. No guidance. No love. Just silence – and not the comforting kind, either. Just the cold, empty sort that leaves you under no illusion that you are truly by yourself. I have asked my spirit guides/guardians to help me in a similar manner, but they too have never replied. No signs, synchronicities or assistance; just silence. I feel that they have long since given up. A part of me likes to hope that there is some reason for this that, from my limited earthly perspective, I can’t quite see. The rest of me fears otherwise.

    • Hi Nicky, and thanks for your comment. I think we have all felt that way before. I think we are here to “pretend” that we’re all alone, and to see what we would do in various situations if our guidance was silent. I don’t think there is ever a time where they have given up on us or are not there with us. We’re just pretending they’re not. Have a look-see at my article called “Show Me the Way”, where I answered those very questions you posited: https://angelicview.wordpress.com/2014/03/29/show-me-the-way-2/

  3. Hello again. Sorry if my comment came across as unduly negative.

    I guess I’m not the only one to have asked those questions and felt a bit left out in the cold. I’ve just read “Show me the Way” and oddly enough my own ‘conclusion’ is probably best summed when you say:

    “But I believe that our Helpers are able to look just a little ways up the timeline of our lives – just far enough to see if we are going to be able to pull ourselves back into the upward track or if we are going to fall.”

    I have wondered why no help came, and then I’ve thought “well I’m okay now, and I’ve come through it (grim as it was), and I did it without any form of drastic or obvious intervention, so perhaps I didn’t need it and they knew that.” So yeah, maybe they were just one step ahead of me 🙂

    Thanks for your wonderful articles x

    • I know you can’t see me but I’m sitting here reading your comment and vigorously nodding my head, “Yes! She gets it!” You are very welcome and I’m so glad if it could brighten your day – even just a little bit ❤

      🙂

  4. i myself don’t fit in any or believe any those who feel themselves in particulars but when i felt or believed in existence of world within me, it shook me crazy as i am the responsible of my-self and it is influencing universe??!!!! And here the term GOD came out of my mouth but no idea how it looks like. As a spirit we born as unborn or vice-verse, so the whole creator or picture must be. I love to be open mind of all beliefs. When i breath, it gives me a taste of life and i made it my higher-self consciousness or god. No idea if any person really knew it or not but when i go to any shopping center or to public, i just observe all thinking what they are doing and what hurry or things they are buying or playing etc,. I don’t know why they “ignoring” themselves. I even have no idea that from where the concept of ignorance and awareness came out. I knew only one concept and that is “all is one”. Moreover after a some silent mind what i felt is, till now whatever sorrow or worries or negative pictures i saw or felt exploited from my members,.. all are actually not me. I am causing nothing but getting its effects from others. Then i studied about empathy and then the rest of blah blah blogs.. and gave me some idea that, this planet Earth and many energies of ignorant people actually lost their self-as-spirits life and pouring all those distorted frequencies in me. I felt my-self at once life a big dust bin or portal messenger to all those frustrated minds in near by. Finally i stopped all negative thoughts, T.V. and controlled my emotion baggage, making my-self up and positive and ignored others feelings, in return i helped them by healing visualizations and with positive words.

    And this changed my life. i can see good even in bad what other people made it by themselves. I understood GOD always play a “perfect” act indirectly or invisibly directly. I understood that GOD is perfect and whole. It compares nothing. So its us who misunderstood our way of thoughts as less or helpless but other side of it is what we are and always. No human can understand how much consciousness he/she is having. We cannot measure it, but god is about everything with love frequency and it can live without our goodness but we spirits cannot like without its creation.

    Love frequency is something which opens the connection invisibly but covers all corners of universes, hence sends back the same.

    Without god, human existence is lame
    without human, god consciousness is blind.

    We are “inter” connected, hence one cannot separate themselves from god frequency, cause it is inseparable and a complete creation where we drive at the driving seat and our gratefulness and appreciation is like GOD’s love and appreciation to it-self. This made me so alive, i forgot that death is what but just an illusion which is fake more than the fake stories.

    death can happen only at particular frequency or dimension because we are not limited beings but limitless who must taste all frequencies of all dimensions, let it be 3d or 4d or 9d, all are just a physical vehicle in which we drive and then get up to drive another vehicle. Free will makes god to realize it-self as free of everything. So thank-you for this interesting and enlightened blog. Have a positive and happy day and night, as it is priceless and best of living, what i learned actually from animals if not from humans lol.. :P….. 🙂 😀

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