I Came Back Out of Pure Love

AngelicView:  All my fellow nurses where I work look at me suspiciously when I say something to the effect that I look forward to the day I die. Of course, they think I may be suicidal or that I have a sick sense of humor! The truth is, I know without a doubt in my mind that that is where “home” is, and I’m homesick. But I will stay here until my job is finished.BabyAngel

So this is a woman who went through a Near Death Experience just after childbirth because of heavy bleeding. She knows everything that happened in the room and can tell her husband about it later. She came back (even though she didn’t want to) out of pure love for her family, knowing they would need her. As it turned out, she helped her husband through his end-of-life (through cancer) and became a nurse.

I was in childbirth with my second child, a girl as it turned out.  During labor, towards the end, I had the urge to push and the nurse asked me what was I doing?  Like she was very upset at me.  I said “I’m having a baby, what do you think I’m doing!?”  She said I was not ready, then checked me and my baby was on the way out!  She called the doctor to get there as soon as possible while she did things to get ready.  I was really dizzy and thought It was due to childbirth, while in actuality it was due to the bleeding that was happening inside of me from my cervix tearing in half.  Later I realized that this was the reason for so much pain, more than I had ever had in my life and much more than my first child. The doctor arrived within about 5 minutes.  He got ready and I said to him… “I’m fading out Dr., I’m fading out!” 

I had the sensation of floating backwards, like my body was being laid down.  I was very warm and comfortable.  Then I would be having another contraction and felt pulled back up.  The dr. had to use a vacuum extractor to pull the baby out, not because she was too big, but because I was passing out and was not pushing enough to push her out on my own.  All the while I kept saying that I was fading out. She was born and I looked at her with joy and happiness beyond belief!  She was so beautiful!  They took her away from me and everyone left me, including my husband, to go take care of the baby in the little room next door.  At this point I went out of my body.  I felt so warm and surrounded by total love, compassion and a pureness that is hard to put into words.  It was unconditional love, but more than that.  I felt loved and warm and like I was being held and told that I was loved no matter what.  My body was ice cold and white as a sheet when my husband came in the room.  I could sense him and hear everything.  He thought I was dead and I was trying to communicate with him that I’m fine, there is nothing wrong.  I thought he could hear me.  He squeezed my hand and said squeeze my hand, Julia, squeeze my hand!  He was very upset and I did not understand why as I thought I was squeezing his hand, but he told me later that I did not move or say anything and he truly thought I was dead. 

He ran to get the doctor, and told him, there is something wrong with my wife!  The Dr. Came into the room and at the mere sight of how I looked at that point, he started yelling at the nurses… Fluids, fluids, wide open… Get blood, get blood, get a pressure, get a pulse, is there a pulse!!!  I could see them from away from my body, like I was floating in the room and had a sense of everything that was happening.  It did not occur to me that I was dying, as I was not yet a nurse at this point.  If I had already been a nurse, I would have known that this was an emergency.  I just felt so good and did not want to go back into that body, that body that was cold and white and dead, it didn’t seem to belong to me, yet I knew it did and it was me they were working on so hard to bring me back.  I heard someone else talking to me, though I could not see them I knew it was the presence of or the feeling of God, telling me that it is not my it is not my time to come to this beautiful, loving place that I was sensing and that I had two young children to take care of and that I needed to go back to my body.  I didn’t want to go and was so very saddened by this.  I wanted to stay in the presence of this all encompassing love, yet I knew that I loved my children and that they needed a mother to take care of them.  I was so torn, I did not want to go back.  I felt pushed back down or nudged, “go, little one, go back, it’s not time”. I was so sad and woke up a day later in this painful, cold and tired body, barely aware of the fact that I had even had a baby.  I asked my husband what happened to me.  He recounted the facts just as I had heard them and was amazed that I had seen, heard and felt everything. 

I told him of my experience and we were both very amazed about what had happened.  I have been searching for people like me ever since.  I felt sad and alone afterward.  I thought that people would not believe me or they would think I was crazy.  I started searching for information on death and returning.  I wanted to know if this had happened to other people too.  At that time, there was not very much information available, however, now there is.  I used to think that maybe I could go back if my children could come too, like if there were an Lightworker6accident or something that could get me back there.  It was the most beautiful experience I had ever had in my life.  I knew that life is sacred and something not to be taken for granted.  I also knew to love other people unconditionally and other life.  I could feel the trees moving in the breeze and the sun on the flowers, that everything had its place here, even the ants that I hated so much before had a place in the circle of life.  Yet my yearning for the other place has never stopped.  It will be 26 years on the 26th and I am still here. 

My husband died on July 21st, 2006.  We talked a lot about how he saved my life so that I could be here for him at the end of his.  We also talked about what it will be like and I explained again to him of the beauty and the all encompassing love that he would feel and that he is only passing to another dimension and will still be right here.  He knew deep inside that it was true and told me that he was not afraid.  He had cancer and came to me in a dream to tell me it was his time.  With all this information I have been given, I was ok with his going, however, I did ask him not to go many times, knowing I would miss him greatly.  I wanted to change places with him and I had envy that he was getting to go and I was to stay here.  My belief system has been greatly changed since my own experience and then the loss of my husband. There is no set religion, there is only God with many a path to get there.  My path is within me.  I tried to go to church again right after and found everything to seem wrong, so I stopped going.  I am still waiting to go back to that place where I was at the time of my death.  I look forward to it each and every day.  So it was for my children, as I reflect about what was told to me.  I had a new purpose in life after my experience and that was to become a nurse so that I could help other people to see that there is no reason to be afraid of death, that it is just a door that we pass through, another dimension and full of love that surrounds you and becomes you.  I feel that in my 20 years of nursing, I have helped many people.  I have shared my experience with some of my patients who were dying and saw the relief in their faces as they got it.  This makes me happy for what I have gone through in this life.  I don’t know when it will be my turn, but I am forever grateful for the experience and have no fear of death whatsoever, for I know what awaits us.  I feel now that God is everywhere and in everything, though I am still waiting to go home, I felt I was at home.

~Everything was clear, really clear.  Here things are blurred or blocked somehow.  Like looking through murky water.

~I could hear everything!  And I could hear more than one conversation at the same time.

~I could see everyone working on me, my husband holding my hand, then standing back as they worked.  This was all verified by my husband and the doctor after I talked with him later.

~I’m not sure where I was.  I was aware of everything all at once and the all encompassing feeling of love, pure love.  More of a sensing, not a seeing.  I was not in my body though, so I thought I was in the room, however, I am not sure.

~Everything made sense.  There is a God, God is love, we are love and love creates all that is.

~No death penalty.  Do not cause harm.  Be compassionate and loving towards all people, even murderers or child molesters, for they are made from pure love as well.

~ I used to think there was a heaven and a hell.  I don’t think that anymore.  I just know there is God and that God is pure love and that we are a part of that.

~My body did not look like a fun place to be, however, I knew I needed to go back to it for the sake of my children.  I came back out of pure love.

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