by Daniel Amick
Over the past couple of months I’ve agonized over the fact that I felt as though I don’t know who I really am. My agonized thinking had to do with doubts about how to proceed, how I could know what I am to do, what my “mission” even is, if I don’t even know who I really am.
Sometimes when I’m meditating and really flowing with energy I feel like there are wings on my back. In fact occasionally I look behind me completely expecting to see them and not understanding why I can’t. Does this mean I was/am an angel in a physical vehicle? Maybe. I would like to know.
I feel incredibly close to AA Michael. He is the first one I usually think of when I close my eyes and go within. I can hardly stand not being with him and long for the day when I will be. Does this mean I was with him before? Am I one of his angels? I would like to think so but I don’t really know. I would like to know.
I read a lot about our star families proclaiming our kinship. They talk about us as family. (The part of the family with amnesia.) Do I have a third cousin on the mother ship? Is my twin flame and/or soul mate waiting for me a couple of miles straight up? It’s a nice thought and could very well be true.
The thing is I’ve been making myself crazy lately in my not knowing. As I said I’ve felt as though I couldn’t do/be/have what I need without knowing. I’ve asked over and over and have not heard back. I’ve left a lot of celestial voice messages. My ego would like to blame others for my not knowing but I know better than that. Blaming my own failure to communicate is not helpful either.
This morning a new plan formed itself in my mind. When you’re a fighter pilot on standby, you have all your gear ready to grab up and go at a moment’s notice. When you hear the alarm you’re out the door, no matter what you were doing. The same for firemen. Jump into your pants and boots, grab your coat and hat, hit the pole and slide into your spot on the engine: let’s go. As a fireman or fighter pilot you know you could be called at any point – there’s no question about that. So you make yourself as ready as possible and put your internal alarm clock on stand-by.
Here are some things that I’ve noticed don’t help. Worrying about when the call will come doesn’t help. Trying to guess what the activity will look like doesn’t help. Sitting around wondering why the bell isn’t ringing when you were just sure it would by now doesn’t help.
What helps is the certitude that you’re fully trained, fully prepared, gear at the ready, ride set to go, and most of your friends will be there with you. Mentally you’re prepared. You don’t need anyone holding your hand or having to constantly calm your fears. You don’t need anyone telling you over and over that everything will be all right and no one’s going to prevent you from doing your job. You know you’ll succeed – that’s what you’ve been training for, (maybe for thousands of years).
And you don’t need to know your secret spiritual name or pin number. I can never remember my latest password anyway. You obviously are the one to do what needs doing, the one who is perfect to perform your destined job. When the alarm bell goes off of course you’ll go. That’s what you’re here for.
This morning I told all my friends in high places – Divine Mother, AA Michael, my team of angels/guides, and anybody else who was listening that I’m now ready. My gear is packed – I even have a compartment for my physical body. It just fits. I might as well travel in comfort and style.
No more excuses, no more fear of failure, no more worrying about others’ life plans, no more worrying about whether I’m really the one I think I am. I’ll know my name when I know my name. It’ll probably be on the boarding pass anyway. No more worrying if the accommodations will be adequate. Do I really need a queen-sized bed? When the bell goes off – I’m ready. What a relief just knowing that!