God is The Light

AngelicView: Let me tell you I Love This NDE! This woman did such a wonderful and thorough job of explaining everything. Basically, one thing this NDE teaches us is that the Life we know here on Earth is so completely malleable. It is an Illusion and… well, Mary explains it all better than I ever could. Let’s get to it!

MY NEAR DEATH EXPERIENCE     Mary Beth Willi, LPN 

     The accident was the worst thing that had ever happened to me, and it is also the best thing that has ever happened to me.  I will share this experience because it is the basis for what I learned and how I learned it.  The accident (my hug from God):  

     It was a gorgeous summer day, July 1994, in Cleveland, OH and traffic was heavy on the freeway.    I was driving our mini-van.  I was pretty stressed.  My husband and I had just returned from SC the night before with his mom, dad and their 3 dogs.  His dad had a stroke the week before and they were going to stay with us while he recovered.  (It ended up being a whole year.)  I should probably tell you we had 6 children living at home (between the ages of 17 thru 5) and a dog of our own at the time.  Life had thrown us all a curve but we were handling things as they came along.  We have always taught our children that family is important.   

     I had to pick up my paycheck so I could go food shopping before going to work at 3p.m.  I was on a tight but doable schedule. God had a different plan and a wonderful sense of humor… 

       A car was in the median strip (on the left) with a flat tire and a group of Boy Scouts was sitting on the grass.   I had been going with the flow of traffic in the high-speed lane when the car in front of me slowed to go into the grassy median to help them.  As I put my foot on the brake to slow down I looked in my rearview mirror and saw the grille of a semi.  Not the semi …the grille of the semi. 

     It was literally, my worst nightmare.  I was horrified and panicked.  I remember saying out loud “I cannot believe I’m going to die today!”  It was about 3 seconds from the time I saw him until I was hit but those 3 seconds changed my life and me completely.        

    

Immediately time stopped …it became eternal.  I was alert, oriented and still driving throughout the entire process.  I was in my body but was taken out of Earths time frame.  There was no sound …all was quiet and calm.  I spoke out loud throughout the entire conversation while His replies were in the form of thoughts placed in my head.  With time stopping came a huge feeling of enormous love that just kept growing stronger and stronger.   The panic was replaced with love that gave me such a calm feeling and I was no longer afraid.  I was being hugged, big time!  I had never felt love like this before.  Instinctively, I knew this was God.  Think of someone who loves you dearly… now multiply that feeling by about a million and maybe you will come close to how loved I felt.  I could feel that there were also 2 others with me.  I can’t explain how I know this but one was my grandmother.  It took 7 years to figure out whom the other was.  I really wanted to cry but there was no time.  

      Most of us go through our lives being taught to believe in God.   I was brought up in a very strict Roman Catholic household by parents who taught us what they learned from their parents.  OK… I did believe, but I was very angry with him because of things that had happened to me in my childhood and life in general.  Now I had been given proof  (enough for me) that there really is a God.  A loving God… not a hell, fire and damnation God.  The next words out of my mouth were “Oh, shit!  I screwed this up!  There really is a God!”   I was mortified at my language and this knowledge.   I quickly said “Oh …sorry!”   His reply to me was even greater love and a feeling of “My child, calm down, everything is just fine.”  I actually felt like His child and it was a very safe and warm place.  He has very loving and gentle hands.   

     With that, placed in front of me to see and feel was a review of my life … in color.  I had to see and feel all the good I had done (and the good I didn’t even know I did).   I actually could feel the joy each person felt when I touched their life in a loving way.  I was getting “caught” doing something right for once in my life.  During the good He was telling me “I am so proud of you!”  I felt such joy for making Him so proud because I never realized what that felt like because I always felt like I couldn’t do anything right.  Reviewing my random acts of kindness gave me the most joy because I was able to feel the difference I made in someone’s life that I hadn’t realized at the time …and I didn’t even know them.  I was shown it is not the big things we do in life that make the difference.  It’s all the little things we do each day that make the difference.  Little acts of kindness mean so much to God.   

     Also, I had to see and feel all the hurtful things I had done (even the hurtful things I didn’t know I did).   I had to feel the persons’ hurt I caused. But… you know how we are taught that we will stand before God and be judged one day? …God was not judging me.  I was looking at my actions…with God at my side loving me while I was judging myself …and believe me, no one can judge me any harsher than I already judge myself.  It was like getting “caught” by my parents when doing something wrong, only worse.   During the hurtful review I was so ashamed and there was no hiding.  My immediate thought, and I said it out loud, was “I’m ready …I belong in Hell …I don’t deserve to go to Heaven!”   But it felt like He took hold of my arm as I was making my way to Hell and said “Wait a minute young lady you get back here!   You don’t understand and I’m going to explain this to you.”  He was asking me “What different choices could you have made?  What are you learning from this?”  Not yelling at me and saying “How could you do that!?” or, “You’re going to Hell!”  This was clearly not the punishing God I had been taught to believe in.  The hardest part of this was realizing He had already forgiven me …I was having a very hard time forgiving myself.  He showed me how I couldn’t let His love in without, first, forgiving myself.  Punishing myself didn’t make me better in His eyes, accepting His love was what He wanted from me.  Once I was able to accept that God only loved, it was easier for me to openly and honestly look at my life. I wanted to learn as much as I could… I had so many questions.  God loves me the way I love my children.  Even when they do something wrong I still love them.  I’m not happy with their actions but that doesn’t change my love for them.  I hurt for them and …I make them take responsibility for their actions.  There are no strings attached to God’s love. 

      I had taken parenting classes and read all I could find so I wouldn’t make the same mistakes my parents did raising kids.  He showed me that even though I wasn’t physically abusing my kids, I was killing them with my words.  That is just as bad.  I could feel their pain.  I felt like such a failure.  I just kept repeating, “I’m so sorry” over and over again.  He just kept on loving me.     

      He let me ask him questions.  My only question was how could He give me the parents I had?  How could he forget all about me and leave me so alone to work my way through those years?  What was He thinking!?  I have to admit I was pretty angry.  He showed me why I had the parents, childhood and life I had experienced.  I asked Him for it!!!  I chose this life because I wanted to learn those lessons.  Everything was so clear to me …I had to go through it all to learn what I needed to learn and be able to continue my work here.  He never left me alone and I could see in hindsight that he was always with me.  I was making a lot of wrong choices because I wasn’t listening to or trusting myself.  I was spending too much time comparing myself to others.  I was doing what I thought I was supposed to be doing.  I felt like a little mouse in a maze trying to find my way but I wasn’t getting anywhere.    By what I was shown I understood that Earth is school and when we are done we have a “Life Review” and then we get to graduate and go back home.  The whole experience was amazing because I felt like my brain had been opened up to the whole universe.  Everything made so much sense.  The lesson was so simple …it’s all about love.  How much God loves us, and how well we learn to love others and ourselves during this life on Earth, despite what we have to go through in our lives.  

     When my Life Review was over He placed in front of me why we come to Earth.  I was so amazed.  I was floored at how important we all are to God …especially how important I was to God.  I didn’t think He knew I even existed.  All the years I was beating myself up and His question to me was “Why would I go through all the trouble to make you just the way you are if I wanted you to try and be like someone else?”  No one else could do the job I came here to do the way He wanted me to do it!  That is why it is so important that we not be so judgmental of each other.  Some of us are here to teach, some to learn and some to do both.  I had to learn to listen to my heart.  

     Then He asked me if wanted to stay on Earth or go with Him.   Wow, I get a choice?  It would have been much easier on me if He had not given me the choice but had made the choice for me.  I didn’t want to make the choice. 

     Making this decision was an amazing process.  I understood that my children had known coming into this life that there was a possibility they could lose me at an early age.  I knew that my family would learn to overcome this lesson and God would take good care of them.  I knew He would take good care of me!  That was easy …I was going!  But He didn’t like my answer so He showed me what I still had left to do …the whole reason I came to Earth …the job I asked Him for!!!!  His question to me was “Can you do this?”  I remember saying so matter of fact “I can do that!”  His next question was “Do you want to do this?”  My answer was “That is so cool, I would really love to do that!”  I believe I was shown this to help me make a different decision because the next thing in front of me was, again:  “Do you want to stay or go?”   

       Even though my good far outweighed my bad (and I wanted to stay in His loving embrace) I desperately needed to fix the hurtful things if I had a chance to.  I didn’t want to leave so many things undone before I had to go.  My main reason for staying was because I didn’t want to let God down.  I wanted to finish the job I had come here to do.  I wanted to show Him that I’m not a quitter.  I also wanted to live on this Earth knowing God loved me.  I felt like I had no other choice than to stay.  I replied, almost in a whisper and very, very reluctantly, “I really want to go with you …but I have to stay.”  

      My only regret is that even though I really took my time to make this decision, it seemed like I said that statement so fast.  The moment I said I have to stay, the whole “movie” in front of me closed up and my conversation with God was over.  One second I was having a wonderful visit with God, my grandmother and a friend from the other side.  I could even picture me brewing a pot of coffee and all of us having a cup of coffee together during this conversation.  Only …my hands were gripped tightly on the steering wheel of the van, I was still driving and I was thinking, “I cannot believe this is happening to me!!!!”   I couldn’t believe how much I had learned in 3 seconds.   I had so many unanswered questions.  I wanted more time.  I wanted more love.  I didn’t want this to end.   I couldn’t believe all the things my brain could do at one time.  I was disappointed that I didn’t get to “go into the light” because I could feel the edges all around me …but I had made my choice.  Suddenly it was over. 

      I was literally forced (pushed) back into reality …Earths’ time.  Everything but His love, my grandmother and friend was gone.  “Gee whiz!”  In my head, the thought was placed, “Take your foot off the brake and floor the gas.”  I didn’t ask any questions and just did as I was told.  As I hit the car in front of me the semi hit me.  I clipped the car and sent it safely into the median.  The truck did not jackknife.  I drove about 100 feet more and went into the median and stopped because I wasn’t sure what was going to happen and didn’t want to be in the middle of it.   

     The thing I want to stress here is that if I had said I wanted to go, I would have been gone before the accident even happened.  My family would have thought I died a horrible death by being run over by a semi.  The reality was that my body would have died a horrible death, not me.  At the point of impact I was still being hugged safely in my cocoon of God’s love.  I did not feel the accident at all.  There was no pain.  It was a different story a few hours later … I refused to go to the hospital because I felt fine.  NEVER make that stupid decision.  It is always a good idea to be checked out after an accident. 

       I sat in my van with the back blown out of it and kept hugging myself because I didn’t want to lose the feeling of tremendous love I had been given by God because it was still with me.  I was also afraid to look back and see what had happened.  Being a nurse, I felt it was my duty to help with the injured but I just couldn’t handle one more thing. 

     I have no idea how long it took for the police to get there but when the policeman opened the door of my van (I was still trying to breathe) I burst into tears.  The cocoon of love evaporated when he opened the door.  It took him awhile to figure out I was physically unhurt.  The feeling of God’s love was just a memory now and emotionally I fell apart.  His comment was “I don’t know how you did it, but you saved a lot of lives today because no one is hurt.”  I couldn’t tell him what happened.  It was hard for me to believe it myself.  For once in my life I was speechless and that doesn’t happen very often to me.  Just ask anyone who knows me.      

      Hours after the accident I started to hurt all over my body and I couldn’t move my neck.  My husband took me to the emergency room that night.  The doctor was surprised that I “only had whiplash”.  The staff was marveling at why I was still here.  I knew exactly why I was still here.  I chose it.  I didn’t say one word to anybody (not even my husband) because I knew if I told them what had happened to me they would admit me to the psychiatric floor!  I didn’t think anyone would believe me. 

      Also, I said earlier that I was clearly shown my purpose here on Earth and the work I had left to do, during my Life Review.  When the accident was over I couldn’t remember why I chose to come here or what I had left to do.  It’s still, right on the tip of my tongue.  The knowledge was taken away as soon as I said I have to stay.  So I am back to a little mouse in a maze with everybody else trying to find my way.  

     When things get really tough I remember what I said that day so matter of fact “I can do that.”  It keeps me grounded and moving forward.  I know for a fact that God is really with me and I love to make him proud.   

      I keep a first grade picture of myself at my bedside to remind me every morning that I am a child of God.  When I am faced with a difficult situation or someone makes me mad I stop a second to decide what I am going to do. I know I’m going to have to do another Life Review and I do not want to review it in a hurtful way again.  I’m not perfect but I really try hard to do the right thing.  Besides that, I know He is watching me.  

     As a postscript you need to know that my husband totaled my car 7 days before this accident with me in the car.  We both walked away from that accident unhurt.  There was no Near Death Experience for either one of us that day.  I was still pretty upset with him about losing the car. It was my first car, the one I picked out and the registration had my name on it.  I loved that car.  Talk about screwed up priorities.  If he had not totaled my car… instead of driving an Astro Van I would have been driving a Mazda 323.  This is just more proof to me of why I believe everything happens for a reason.  There would have been no choices that day.  That semi would have gone right over the top of me. 

      Before the accident, I had a hard time praying.  Now I talk to Him the same way I carry on a conversation with anybody else (anytime and anywhere).   In fact, after the first accident a week before the truck accident, I walked out to the middle of my front yard.  I screamed at the sky “I know they say that God doesn’t give us anything more than we can handle.  But you are blowing it, big time, right now.  So just come down here and tell me what you want me to do and I will do it so you can leave me the hell alone!”     My poor husband took me by the arm saying, “Come inside, the neighbors are watching.” I really had no idea He was listening to me so be careful what you ask for because I found out, very unexpectedly, just how much He cared about me.  I don’t need to scream at Him anymore.  I understand what he was trying to tell me now.  I received his answer loud and clear.   

      The whole year after my accident was probably one of the hardest years of my life and I often wondered why I was stupid enough to stay here and not leave when I had the chance.  I kept yelling at myself “What the heck were you thinking!?”  Now, looking back at what I learned and how blessed I am today, I am so glad I stayed.  When I see the rays of sun stream through the clouds (The Holy Spirit) sometimes I get really homesick.  To me, God is The Light.  That is Him reminding me to remember how much He loves me and I am never alone.  And one day I’ll get to go back to Him.  Until then I plan on having a good time.  I look at every obstacle as an adventure now and I’m always looking for the lesson.  It’s a wonderful game.  Life is so much easier this way.

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